Thursday, June 4, 2009

# 8 JURASSIC PARK 1 & 2 (but not 3)

As with any major religion in the world, there lies a big budget Hollywood movie that both propagandizes and demonizes it to the world, marketing it as a Must-see Summer Blockbuster movie. In fact, having a movie made about your organized religion can be considered one of the greatest compliments that a spiritual belief can receive.

Christianity, for example, has “
The Davinci Code” (and now “Angels & Demons”)

Judaism had “
Fiddler on the Roof,”

And Raptor Jesus has the
Jurassic Park 1 & 2……but not 3.

You see, there was a time before Raptors were holy. It was a dark and empty time. But then the Prophet, Michael Crichton, wrote his best-selling holy text, “Jurassic Park” which sold millions of copies nationwide. It informed everyone of how deadly—and awesome—Velociraptors are, and, like Christianity and Judaism before it, was eventually deemed worthy of Mega-Blockbuster stardom. Later, with the help of some no-name director—I think his name is “Spielberg”— “Jurassic Park” was made.

And Raptor Jesus rejoiced.

The computer-generated creatures that were remade in His image became an overnight sensation. Graven Raptor images were sold in Toy stores around the world. Kids dressed as the sacred Raptor deity during the Autumn Pagan holiday, “Halloween.” Raptors were both feared and revered as a common household name. The sensation continued a few years later when that Spielberg guy decided he wanted more money. He created Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World out of Crichton’s other holy text and, while it wasn’t a great movie, it continued the nation’s craze with Raptors so that children everywhere trembled in fear when they even heard the word, “Velociprator.”

…..even though they were actually more like Utahraptors; Velociraptors have feathers. But who cares about accuracy, amIrite?

But then something awful happened. That Spielberg guy decided that all the money he made from the first two movies wasn’t enough, so he went and mad Jurassic Park 3.

And Raptor Jesus became angry.

Spielberg had forsaken that which had once brought him glory. Not only did this 3rd movie suck so much ass with it’s lame plot devices and awful storyline, but it barely even included any Raptors at all! Utah or otherwise! So the mighty Raptor Jesus cursed this lame-ass turd of a film with box office failure, damning it to a mere two week release in theatres and then straight to DVD at the $5.00 bargain bin at Wal-Mart where it stays to this very day.

Such is the wrath of Raptor Jesus.

Monday, April 20, 2009

# 7 VELOCIRAPTOR AWARENESS DAY

Even though the propagandized “day of awareness” spreads a rather negative image of Velcoiraptors to the ignorant and uniformed, Raptor Jesus is surprisingly supportive of “Velociraptor Awareness Day” .....because it teaches everyone to be afraid of Velociraptors.

AS WE SHOULD BE!


And even though it may teach humanity to be prepared in case of a Raptor attack, stocking up on weapons and Raptor killing supplies, we all know (or we should by now) that Raptors love a good challenge and view any opposition as an invitation to kill.

And it’s not like any amount of raptor awareness could stop Raptor Jesus.

SO BE AWARE PUNY HUMANS - RAPTOR JESUS COMMANDS IT – BE AWARE AND FEAR! FEAR FOR YOUR LIVES!

LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ! LOLOLZ!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

#6 - PHOTOSHOP

There are many fearsome rumors that are whispered in darkened alleys telling of the awesome power of Raptor Jesus. One such rumor is the claim that Raptor Jesus can bend the laws of time and space. And while that rumor is technically true, it is unfortunately misleading. For you see, Raptor Jesus can do so in a fashion, but not in the way you may think


.…….and that way is Photoshop.


Not a real movie, but you thought it was, didn't you?


With just a click of his mouse Raptor Jesus can rearrange the two-dimensional past to his every whim, making seemingly impossible scenarios possible and causing the mortal mind to wonder“did that really happen?”


Yes, He's real! And He has a myspace!


For you see, unlike those other deities, Raptor Jesus is computer-literate. (Notice the myspace?)



His computer proficiency does not end with photoshop. He currently holds degrees in Quark, HTML, and even Javascript. But it’s photoshop that Raptor Jesus finds most effective in

spreading his good words. So while other deities are planting their faces in rock formations, gravy stains and water marks, Raptor Jesus is communicating with the masses with pictures

of His face photoshopped on half-naked teenagers.


Thursday, September 11, 2008

#5 – LEET SPEAK

(Today's entry translated from Leet speak)

R@ptr Je5u5 rekgn1z3s that teh inerwebz iz teh w@y 0f teh futur. With l33t 5p3@k being teh l@ngu@g3 4 dizcor53. H3 n0ez thi5 bcuz H3 iz l33t. H3 iz n0t @ n00b. B31ng teh L33t M@5t3r H3 iz, hiz l33t al0wz him to pwn @ L@N parteez & WOW w/ez. $$$

R@ptr J35u5 n0z teh interwebz iz $$$ & L33t = $$$. H3 n0z cuz h3 iz l33t. h3 iz d3finitly n0t @ n00b. (N0 N00BS!)

Raptr Jezus noez teh interwebz iz teh way of teh future. He’z n0 n00b. Hez $$$. So $$$ he likz teh WOW, 2.


*translation* (as best as I could)

"Raptor Jesus recognizes that the internet is the way of the future, with leetspeak being the language for discourse. He knows this because he is leet. He is (definitely) not a noob. Being the leet master he is, his leetspeak allows him to “pown” at Lan Parties and World of Warcraft with ease. (This is) so great.

Raptor Jesus knows the internet is great and leetspeak is great. He knows because he is “leet” and is definitely not a “newbie.”

Raptor Jesus knows the internet is the way of the future. He is not a newbie. He’s great. (It is) so great (that) he likes the World of Warcraft, too."

Monday, April 14, 2008

# 4 FACING OFF TO THE SIDE

Have you ever noticed that Raptor Jesus always looks slightly off to the side in photographs?



The reason for this is a hotly-debated topic. “Scientists” will argue that His peripheral vision forces Him to tilt His head slightly to the side just to see what’s in front of Him. This “evolutionary advantage” allows him to keep on the look-out for natural enemies and other potential predators.

But all true followers know that Raptor Jesus IS a potential predator and that those “scientists” are full of crap.

“Peripheral vision” is just one of the many lies told by heretics and non-believers to discredit our Lord and Savior as nothing but a poor, helpless deity, And while it is true that Raptor Jesus was persecuted for His beliefs, (see picture) He is also a vengeful, ravenous messiah that isn’t afraid to fire off an AK-47 single-handedly to save the life of a baby sheep He wants to eat later. (see post below)

Anyway, the real reason He always poses that way is because it displays Raptor Jesus’ more prominent facial features, making him look that much more mysterious and sexier!

(Rawr! AmIrite?)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

#3. Alternative Belief Systems

Sad That You Can't See It. It's Amazing.Raptor Jesus is nothing if not progressive. During his many pilgimages to far off lands and into space, RJ has encountered many a strange creature, and devoured them all. This gives him valuable insights into alternative viewpoints of diverse populations. He is compassionate to all human-like kind.

Through his infinite wisdom, RJ quickly and deftly forms treaties with other dinosaur deity. There are many rumors that RJ and RM work together toward a common goal. This is crap. Though they are pictured together, and though they remain close friends, their two viewpoints differ on key issues such as childrearing, martyrdom, and lols. It has been documented, though not very well, that RM is has little or no sense of humor, and simply stares down children, rather than laughing at them.

The important thing to take away from this, is that Raptor Jesus is tolerant and understanding and always wise. But don't you cross him, or he'll eat your lips!!

Friday, March 28, 2008

# 2 Mixing Science with Religion

While the Government may separate Church and State and prevent schools from teaching Creationism to our children, Raptor Jesus says “RAAEWWWR!!!” and tears them a new one. For how else could our scavenging Lord and Savior have been created in a Geneticists laboratory without the help of God and Science….TOGETHER???

Answer: he couldn’t have. And then where would we be, government? Huh?

Only by playing God with the tools of man can Raptor Jesus create the miracles we know and love today that defy the natural law. Miracles such as cloning and genetic engineering! And only by committing ourselves to this cause with a dogmatic devotion can we (and Raptor Jesus) ever hope to make such pictures a reality:



And lastly, as Raptor Jesus would surely agree, mixing science and religion would finally give us an answer the question of “where did we come from?” that I’m sure we ALL would agree on, ending all wars forever.

At least until we're overrun by T-Rexes.