#5 – LEET SPEAK

(Today's entry translated from Leet speak)

R@ptr Je5u5 rekgn1z3s that teh inerwebz iz teh w@y 0f teh futur. With l33t 5p3@k being teh l@ngu@g3 4 dizcor53. H3 n0ez thi5 bcuz H3 iz l33t. H3 iz n0t @ n00b. B31ng teh L33t M@5t3r H3 iz, hiz l33t al0wz him to pwn @ L@N parteez & WOW w/ez. $$$

R@ptr J35u5 n0z teh interwebz iz $$$ & L33t = $$$. H3 n0z cuz h3 iz l33t. h3 iz d3finitly n0t @ n00b. (N0 N00BS!)

Raptr Jezus noez teh interwebz iz teh way of teh future. He’z n0 n00b. Hez $$$. So $$$ he likz teh WOW, 2.

*translation* (as best as I could)

"Raptor Jesus recognizes that the internet is the way of the future, with leetspeak being the language for discourse. He knows this because he is leet. He is (definitely) not a noob. Being the leet master he is, his leetspeak allows him to “pown” at Lan Parties and World of Warcraft with ease. (This is) so great.

Raptor Jesus knows the internet is great and leetspeak is great. He knows because he is “leet” and is definitely not a “newbie.”

Raptor Jesus knows the internet is the way of the future. He is not a newbie. He’s great. (It is) so great (that) he likes the World of Warcraft, too."

# 4 FACING OFF TO THE SIDE

Have you ever noticed that Raptor Jesus always looks slightly off to the side in photographs?

The reason for this is a hotly-debated topic. “Scientists” will argue that His peripheral vision forces Him to tilt His head slightly to the side just to see what’s in front of Him. This “evolutionary advantage” allows him to keep on the look-out for natural enemies and other potential predators.

But all true followers know that Raptor Jesus IS a potential predator and that those “scientists” are full of crap.

“Peripheral vision” is just one of the many lies told by heretics and non-believers to discredit our Lord and Savior as nothing but a poor, helpless deity, And while it is true that Raptor Jesus was persecuted for His beliefs, (see picture) He is also a vengeful, ravenous messiah that isn’t afraid to fire off an AK-47 single-handedly to save the life of a baby sheep He wants to eat later. (see post below)

Anyway, the real reason He always poses that way is because it displays Raptor Jesus’ more prominent facial features, making him look that much more mysterious and sexier!

(Rawr! AmIrite?)

#3. Alternative Belief Systems

Raptor Jesus is nothing if not progressive. During his many pilgimages to far off lands and into space, RJ has encountered many a strange creature, and devoured them all. This gives him valuable insights into alternative viewpoints of diverse populations. He is compassionate to all human-like kind.

Through his infinite wisdom, RJ quickly and deftly forms treaties with other dinosaur deity. There are many rumors that RJ and RM work together toward a common goal. This is crap. Though they are pictured together, and though they remain close friends, their two viewpoints differ on key issues such as childrearing, martyrdom, and lols. It has been documented, though not very well, that RM is has little or no sense of humor, and simply stares down children, rather than laughing at them.

The important thing to take away from this, is that Raptor Jesus is tolerant and understanding and always wise. But don't you cross him, or he'll eat your lips!!

# 2 Mixing Science with Religion

While the Government may separate Church and State and prevent schools from teaching Creationism to our children, Raptor Jesus says “RAAEWWWR!!!” and tears them a new one. For how else could our scavenging Lord and Savior have been created in a Geneticists laboratory without the help of God and Science….TOGETHER???

Answer: he couldn’t have. And then where would we be, government? Huh?

Only by playing God with the tools of man can Raptor Jesus create the miracles we know and love today that defy the natural law. Miracles such as cloning and genetic engineering! And only by committing ourselves to this cause with a dogmatic devotion can we (and Raptor Jesus) ever hope to make such pictures a reality:

And lastly, as Raptor Jesus would surely agree, mixing science and religion would finally give us an answer the question of “where did we come from?” that I’m sure we ALL would agree on, ending all wars forever.

At least until we're overrun by T-Rexes.

#1. Laughing Out Loud

Jovial by nature, Raptor Jesus has acquired much of his vast, vast following by constantly, though not directly, pointing out the value of a sense of humor.

While death and forgiveness of sin are important parts of Raptor Jesus's choice of lifestyle, he is always capable of recognizing the humor in uncomfortable situations. Especially when in the company of children and the elderly, Raptor Jesus will punctuate his profound wisdom with unrelated laughter. The result is often an infectious avalanche of laughter, lulling his subjects into a sense of security and belonging.

Some speculate that such laughter is actually at the expense of those worshiping him, and is in fact a reason to disapprove of Raptor Jesus's teachings. Those people are wrong and will die horribly.