As with any major religion in the world, there lies a big budget Hollywood movie that both propagandizes and demonizes it to the world, marketing it as a Must-see Summer Blockbuster movie. In fact, having a movie made about your organized religion can be considered one of the greatest compliments that a spiritual belief can receive.
Christianity, for example, has “The Davinci Code” (and now “Angels & Demons”)
Judaism had “Fiddler on the Roof,”
And Raptor Jesus has the Jurassic Park 1 & 2……but not 3.
You see, there was a time before Raptors were holy. It was a dark and empty time. But then the Prophet, Michael Crichton, wrote his best-selling holy text, “Jurassic Park” which sold millions of copies nationwide. It informed everyone of how deadly—and awesome—Velociraptors are, and, like Christianity and Judaism before it, was eventually deemed worthy of Mega-Blockbuster stardom. Later, with the help of some no-name director—I think his name is “Spielberg”— “Jurassic Park” was made.
And Raptor Jesus rejoiced.
The computer-generated creatures that were remade in His image became an overnight sensation. Graven Raptor images were sold in Toy stores around the world. Kids dressed as the sacred Raptor deity during the Autumn Pagan holiday, “Halloween.” Raptors were both feared and revered as a common household name. The sensation continued a few years later when that Spielberg guy decided he wanted more money. He created Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World out of Crichton’s other holy text and, while it wasn’t a great movie, it continued the nation’s craze with Raptors so that children everywhere trembled in fear when they even heard the word, “Velociprator.”
…..even though they were actually more like Utahraptors; Velociraptors have feathers. But who cares about accuracy, amIrite?
Christianity, for example, has “The Davinci Code” (and now “Angels & Demons”)
Judaism had “Fiddler on the Roof,”
And Raptor Jesus has the Jurassic Park 1 & 2……but not 3.
You see, there was a time before Raptors were holy. It was a dark and empty time. But then the Prophet, Michael Crichton, wrote his best-selling holy text, “Jurassic Park” which sold millions of copies nationwide. It informed everyone of how deadly—and awesome—Velociraptors are, and, like Christianity and Judaism before it, was eventually deemed worthy of Mega-Blockbuster stardom. Later, with the help of some no-name director—I think his name is “Spielberg”— “Jurassic Park” was made.
And Raptor Jesus rejoiced.
The computer-generated creatures that were remade in His image became an overnight sensation. Graven Raptor images were sold in Toy stores around the world. Kids dressed as the sacred Raptor deity during the Autumn Pagan holiday, “Halloween.” Raptors were both feared and revered as a common household name. The sensation continued a few years later when that Spielberg guy decided he wanted more money. He created Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World out of Crichton’s other holy text and, while it wasn’t a great movie, it continued the nation’s craze with Raptors so that children everywhere trembled in fear when they even heard the word, “Velociprator.”
…..even though they were actually more like Utahraptors; Velociraptors have feathers. But who cares about accuracy, amIrite?
But then something awful happened. That Spielberg guy decided that all the money he made from the first two movies wasn’t enough, so he went and mad Jurassic Park 3.
And Raptor Jesus became angry.
And Raptor Jesus became angry.
Spielberg had forsaken that which had once brought him glory. Not only did this 3rd movie suck so much ass with it’s lame plot devices and awful storyline, but it barely even included any Raptors at all! Utah or otherwise! So the mighty Raptor Jesus cursed this lame-ass turd of a film with box office failure, damning it to a mere two week release in theatres and then straight to DVD at the $5.00 bargain bin at Wal-Mart where it stays to this very day.
Such is the wrath of Raptor Jesus.
Such is the wrath of Raptor Jesus.
